Secrets Matter (a follow-up to the Seven Year Itch)

There is an understood rule among most couples, if you tell me something and tell me not to tell anyone, you must make it clear that it also includes my husband or I will most definitely tell him. When it comes to secrets, couples are considered one person. However, if keeping your secret will somehow lessen the trust that my husband has in me, then I can't do it. Before we were married, Chris and I were required to attend the Catholic Church's marriage encounter weekend. During that 48 hours, we discussed everything....budgets, kids, family, jobs, sex, you name it, it was discussed. However, at no time were we asked to talk about the past. Whether you realize it or not, the past matters. When you try to keep things about your past hidden, it can often eat away at you like a parasite inside your body. You constantly wonder if someone will find out and what they will think of you. Sometimes the secret involves someone else and then you feel like telling that secret will somehow cause turmoil between them and their significant other. A word to the wise....all secrets matter when it comes to a marriage. Things that happened a decade ago can turn your marriage upside down. Often times you have to deal with the reprecussions all alone and that is not what a marriage is about. Marriage means that another person has chosen to spend their life with you, good and bad, and that they are willing to share in both your happiness and pain. I had dealt with a secret on my own for over 12 years. I thought I was doing a wonderful job of internalizing everything. However, it finally boar a hole right into our relationship. Chris knew something was there, but he couldn't figure out what. It hurt him to think I didn't trust him and it hurt me to keep the secret. Luckily for us, everything was discussed and settled prior to him leaving the country this year. If not, the time we are spending apart could have been much different. Remember that no matter what has happened in your life, your partner is the person who should love you no matter what has happened. They should be the one you turn to when you need a shoulder. If they can't listen to you tell them about the one thing that you are either too embarrassed or too afraid to tell anyone and still put their arms around you and kiss away your tears, then as I said before, it isn't real love, so move along.

The Seven Year Itch

About 2 years ago, I was attending my 10 year college reunion (I know, I can't be that old, right?), some friends and I were trying to comfort another classmate who was deathly afraid that her marriage was in trouble. As I listened to her talk about what was wrong, I knew that all she needed to know is that it was normal. In case there are any of you out there reading this who have not been married for 7 years or more, you need to know too. The 7 year itch is real. Actually, throughout the table of married ladies, some with kids, some not; the concensus was that the years from about 7 to 9 are the roughest, almost painful years of your marriage. You fight constantly over the smallest things. Sometimes you think that there is no way you can wake up next to this person for the next 50. Most of the time you stop communicating unless it is about work or the kids. Usually at this point in your marriage you have at least one, but often more, kids. Trust me, do not have a child to save your marriage because all children do is complicate things more. You are so exhausted by the time they go to bed that you nearly pass out. If not, you are washing the pile of clothes that never goes away and wondering how little bodies can possibly increase your wash loads so much. When they are very little, they are constantly climbing on you, wanting to be held, sitting in your lap, etc and your body is often so sore that if another person, including your husband, so much as brushes up next to you, you want to break his arm. Sounds bad, right? Truth is, marriage is one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. It is work; real work and if you aren't working at it, then it won't last. You can't expect for everything to work out like a fairytale. There is a reason the first year is called the honeymoon period. Everything is wonderful. Each person makes special effort to do everything they can to look perfect in front of the other. Pretending to be perfect is hard too and eventually, you just can't do it anymore, so the mask comes off. I remember my mother telling me that she used to set an alarm to wake up early and get dressed so my dad never saw her without makeup and hair done. She would make breakfast, keep the house spotless, make him lunch which she often delivered to him at work hot and then go home to make sure dinner was on the table. He never washed clothes, or anything around the house. It was 1973 and she was the perfect housewife. Thirty-six years and two kids later, she leaves him to-do lists on his day off, which often includes at least one load of clothes. He makes her breakfast on Sunday mornings and it is a good day for him if dinner is on the table when he gets home and lunch consists of a sandwich, which he fixes himself. They don't pretend to be anything they aren't. Yes, they annoy the hell out of each other, but they still work to make it last. Their advice to me has been that once the lust of newlywed bliss is over, you better like that person laying next to you. When the kids are gone, along with the lust, you have to be able to simply live. They live and love one another everyday. Sometimes it is the little things like a cup of coffee left on the bedside stand for my mom or when she makes his favorite dessert for dinner. I know they had a hard time once too. I said all this to say, if you are approaching that time in your marriage or if you are dead in the middle of it, don't give up. Anything worth saving is worth working for and if it isn't worth the work, maybe it wasn't real love.

How Old Do I Have To Be?

How old do I have to be seems to be a consistent question in my household. Dalton has always asked how old he had to be to do various things. When he was 2 years old he wanted to climb a tree and Chris told him that he had to be five years old to climb a tree. He accepted that answer and the day he turned five, although we had not thought another thing of it, he asked to climb a tree. We live in a new housing development and all the trees are very small; but when he went to Knoxville for his first UT game last year, he climbed a tree. Most recently he wants to know when he can get his own dog, a fun dog. Apparently Maggie, who just turned 9, is a little too calm and old for him. To avoid making the same mistake of a deadline, we now tell him he can have a dog when he is old enough to take care of it. I remember anxiously awaiting each birthday marker for something special. Fifteen was when my parents said I could date; I think I had more people asking before I was able to than after. At sixteen we were allowed to get our driver's license; then again driving seemed much cooler before I became a mom and thus the taxi service. At eighteen I registered to vote; unfortunately, there had been a presidential election the year prior, so it wasn't nearly as exciting that first year. At 21 I was old enough to drink legally. I turned 21 on a Thursday night in college. My friends and I celebrated at Main Street Bar and Grill and it was Ladies Night with $1 drinks (there are many of you that remember that). We thought we were on top of the world then and we probably were. By 25 all we had to look forward to was a decrease in our insurance because somebody in the insurance world thought that by 25 we should be more responsible. Then there was 3o. I was really excited about turning 30. In the world of military wives, it meant I would no longer be seen as one of those "young and dumb wives". Finally I should be seen as an adult and not someone just playing house. I really wanted to celebrate, but that was the year Katrina hit and I found myself still living in my parents house, but this time with a 2 year old sharing my room. Not exactly the celebration I had anticipated. This weekend I turned 34. I am not depressed about the age. My mother trained us well...like wine and cheese, we get better with age. I truly believe that. The only thing that I miss from my youth is my body (which then I thought of as fat) and that conquering the world attitude that I still try to hang on to with all that I am. My birthday came and went. There is nothing monumental about being 34. No major event in my life is based on that age. The idea of a good time and celebration has been slightly altered by this point (although I was the oldest in attendance). My friends are early birds who want to have dinner and be in bed by the 10 o'clock news. I guess I would normally fall into this too, but not on my birthday. The one day in the entire year that I don't have to share with anyone. Growing up, my parents treated our birthdays like our own special holiday. I guess I got a little spoiled to the idea that anything else in the world could possibly happen on that day. Now, what milestones do I have left to look forward to? I know 40 is supposed to be big; however, that was always meant as a sexual peak for women usually based on the theory that menopause started at 50, so if I am presently going through early menopause, does that mean I missed out on my peak in my early 20s? Sixty-two...used to be the magic age of retirement, but in a world of economic downfall and a social security system that will surely go broke before I am ever close to retirement, how special can that be? The only thing I can really hope for is that I live to be 100 and then I will have plenty to celebrate. No woman in my family has lived that long, but I am sure my mother is determined to beat that record if only to torment me for another 46 years. I will be able to celebrate my 75th wedding anniversary; that is, if he lives long enough to be considered married at that time. Hopefully there will actually be people still alive who would even remember the younger me. Maybe I will still have that little spark in my eye at 100 that I did at 21. It wouldn't surprise me if Shannon was still having to make sure I "wore something with a crotch" (her words exactly) in case I did that extra shot of tequila and took to table dancing again. I guess only time will tell. Until then, I suppose I will have to just enjoy each year and what it has to offer, knowing that I am that much closer to being 100 and celebrating that I outlived all those who never liked me anyway. Mark your calendars...September 19, 2075...Sunshine's Centennial Bash

Observations of a Lonely Woman

I have not had much time to post lately, so I thought I would take a little time before the desire for sleep sets in too strongly. It is not that I have not had plenty to say, but my life has been so hectic that blogging was not a top priority. When you spend most of your time alone, it gives you plenty of time to think. Most of my interaction is with small children, so their ability to discuss things is limited. I make daily observations about my life and the lives of those around me. Although my mother may doubt this fact, I was born with keen observation skills. I often see what others do not, a fact which greatly annoys my husband. I wouldn't say that I am judgemental, but more so that I force to the surface that which people would rather stay buried. It is an ability that I have perfected over the years. Now, as for the lives of those around me, I have quite a few opinions. There is so much I have observed in the last month or so. First of all, daily I pass this horrible little trailer park that is on my way to every place I usually go. Their doors are always wide open and these innocent little babies, still wearing cheap, ill-fitting diapers, with their dirty faces and rarely clothed are sitting on the steps. Not much difference in them and those impoverished faces you see on TV from 3rd world countries. My heart goes out to those children because they didn't ask for that life. While I see these kids, I also see the same people sitting out front under a shade tree, the trailers obviously having no air conditioning, and I wonder why it is that their priorities are so wrong. They sit under those trees smoking their cigarettes and drinking their beer, usually there is at least one dog, if not more, wandering about them. Who in their right mind finds that their habits take precedent over those needs of their children for food and clothing? Who thinks that if they can't afford to live and take care of their family that it is alright to then take in and feed a pet? I am sure these are welfare and food stamp recipients, but should they be? Are these not the people that should be working and that we need to stop supporting? Where is child services? Is this sort of neglect and home life really all that different from physical abuse? It tears at my heart and makes my blood boil all at the same time. Now, speaking of those who are on public assistance...if jobs are so hard to obtain and money is so difficult to come by, shouldn't those with jobs be happy to just be employed? Why is it then that whenever you are shopping anywhere, the employees make you feel like you asking a question has just inconvenienced their life immensely? Sorry to bother you, but the last time I checked, this was your job. If the sign in the dressing room says ask your associate for a different size, then please don't be pissed when I do. If the sign on the register says you get free food if you don't receive a receipt and a proper "thank you", then I am going to get my free food. You seem to forget that money is scarce for everyone. If it comes out of your check, I bet you won't forget it again. Now, I am not always a difficult person, but lately me stress has been running a little higher than normal. However, I am well on my way to being Superwoman if I can just get through this year. I have found that I can cook, clean, help with homework, do laundry, mow the lawn and shop for all the groceries and household supplies.....ALONE. However, this is not to say that I would not do a dance of sheer happiness if I found my husband would be coming home tomorrow. It is nice to know I can do it, but I have no interest in getting rid of a good man just because I don't "need" him. I have always said that you don't want to be the person I need in my life because I can learn to do whatever I need you for or you can be replaced by someone better. In my life, you need to be who I "want" in my life. Although the need for you may fad, the simple desire to have you there is longer lasting. Other interesting things that have happened: I discovered that even when the sleep timer is set on my children's TV at night. They have figured out that if they get up and turn the volume down, they can watch Family Guy, not suggested viewing for small children, and I would never be the wiser. Not so true and could be just one of the many reasons they no longer have a TV in their bedroom. Dalton announced to me in his booming voice in BooksaMillion that a book was about SEX. I will say that the picture on the front was definitely suggestive, but the book was about the Dixie Mafia. For the record, I was not on the self-help aisle, but instead where the new releases and best sellers are. Needless to say, we had a long chat on the way home and apparently, he learned a little too much on his late night Family Guy. Both of my children seperately can be almost a pleasure to be around. Each has a unique personality and can be very funny. However, the two of them together are like monsters. Unlike you "working" folks, I dread 5pm and the weekends. I know that with either of those times, it means that both of my children will be home together. They fight, hit, yell and scream...I know it is typical of boys, but I don't have the patience to wait and see who kills who. If brothers are supposed to act like this I may be raising two of the closest brothers I have ever known. Well that is all the observations and complaints for today. My coach is turning into a pumpkin, so I must say goodbye and head to dreamzone

Since I Have Been Home

For those of you who brave my blog now and again, I want to warn you that this one may get a little long winded. So grab something to drink, I prefer wine, and get comfortable. When last I wrote, I was ending such a wonderful vacation with my sister. Life was good and I was riding on a cloud. I should have known that my euphoric state would not last forever. First thing on Monday I returned to my normal week. The laundry had piled up and I was going about my daily chores. By the end of the day (for those on facebook you probably know this), I ended up in the emergency room with my six year old, who had decided to stick a broken Mardi Gras bead into his ear canal, for what reason, we still aren't sure. The ER did nothing but make the situation worse and give us a referral to the ENT. During this fiasco, he lied about his brother being the one to do it, so I proceeded to punish a very clueless almost 3 year old who pleaded his innocence until the very end. Come to find out he was right, but apparently not soon enough for him to seek revenge on me by taking a poo in his pants and proceeding to rub it all over his body and the wall. I bathed him while Dalton lay on my bed crying and swearing to never do anything like that again. Well, even the next day while we waited on his appointment with the ENT, he proceeded to assure me that he would never do that again. Now the tiny gold bead is in a specimen cup and sitting on my bar for all to see. To follow that up, I received the link to a YouTube video titled, Leland Alderman Acts A Fool. Unfortunately, it was in fact Leland, MS, and yes, she did act pretty foolish. Most of all I was embarrassed to think of the number of people who now had access to and would watch this dramatic display. Notice I said dramatic and not tramatic. What I saw was a bunch of ill-bred crooks trying to throw the attention away from them and the possible embezzlement of funds. What I saw was them using a public forum to further embarrass me about the city I used to love. I would love to know at what point I became so disgruntled with my little town. Can the town be fixed? Yes, I think it can. However, all the persons living in the past, have to open their eyes and see that things weren't good before and I don't think the new mayor could do any worse than his predecessors. Now the time is getting closer for Chris to leave on his remote. Less than two weeks to go and we have a daily checklist of things to do either as part of his outprocessing or of things I need him to do around the house before he leaves. Peyton's potty-training has taken two steps back and now I have had to remove him from the enrollment at Our Lady of Fatima for the fall. Luckily I have found another place that is willing to take what they call a "young three", which is nice terms for a kid who is just turning three and hasn't gotten with the program on potty-training. I worry that he may be rebelling in his own way about the upcoming departure of his dad and that this could be just the beginning. Last but not least, I found out that someone who has done a good job of pretending to be my friend is nothing but a phony. I am way too old to waste my time on shallow, insecure people. I don't need friends so bad that I have to keep around the ones who aren't worth my time. There were assumptions and statements made about me that I found so laughable that I wouldn't waste my time repeating them. If they were truly my friend, the one thing that they would know, and all my real girlfriends know this, as do many who are simply acquaintances; I am a loyal friend. I will help you through anything you need. I will gladly stand up with you and fight for something I believe in. I will wake up in the middle of the night and listen if you need to talk. I will take your problems on myself to work out a solution. However, the worst possible thing would be to cross me and end up on my bad side and in the path of my fire. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!

A Day in Hollywood

I have spent the greatest part of the day exploring Hollywood....Hollywood, FL, that is. Luckily for me, my sister lives just a short walk from downtown. I have been walking in the morning, but not really strolling and exploring all that the downtown has to offer. Since it is Saturday, I decided to check out in daylight what I had only seen through beer goggles during the evenings. It is a cute old town with a main street justly named Hollywood Boulevard. It is lined with trees in the median, mostly palm, and there are benches to rest everywhere. There is a small park/playground that today was over-run with small children, just making me miss my own that much more. The people are all very friendly. I had coffee and fresh bread this morning, then did a little perusing through the shops. I had a psychic reading which was pretty spot on and gave me a sense of peace about the upcoming year that I have not had recently. Since the heat index is well into the 100s of degrees, I stopped for a gelato at a cafe and it was as good as what I found while in Italy. There were families out with their children, little old people holding hands, plenty of people not speaking English (once again reminding me of Europe) and a fair share of those with tattoos nearly from head to toe. It was really refreshing to see all these people living together, interacting without judging looks or snide comments. The one thing I can say about this little city that my sister has found for herself, everyone is welcome and there is little pretension. I think she may be very happy here and live out her dreams. After all, everyone who comes to Hollywood has a dream.

Lessons from Friends

Vacations are meant to be a time of relaxation and often times, a time to find out a little something more about yourself. Mine has been alot of both. I have loved the sightseeing and beach time here in Miami, but I have loved the down time reading a book or having a drink with friends, just as much, if not more. I have had plenty of time to concentrate on myself and what I want or need out of life. First and foremost, I have learned that although I have grown and become a mother and wife, that basically I have not changed in over 12 years. Apparently my basic charm and wit have not left me, although at least 50lbs have probably been added to the body I once had. At least now I know that the circumstances of life and the harshness of the world have yet to have me become a small shell of my former self. Seeing old friends can be both good and bad occurances. Basic old friends can be so refreshing to catch up with. Often times they have changed and sometimes you don't click, but seeing them is great all the same. Now, what happens if you meet up with on old friend who you were intimate with a long time ago. I can tell you. You get over the awkwardness and suddenly discover the fabulous connection you had as friends first and foremost. Then you enjoy hanging out with someone who knew you long before you were a wife and mother. You can relax and be yourself because this person knows your flaws and chooses to be your friend in spite of them. You can even take away the knowledge that maybe you didn't screw up every relationship from your past and sometimes things are just so much better as friends. You can gain so much clarity when you take a trip down memory lane and can now laugh at your youth. All of a sudden, the person you have become doesn't seem nearly as bad as the person you once were. I value every relationship that I have endured in my life, both good and bad. I have learned so much from each encounter. I have no regrets. Everything happened for a reason and it often takes growing old and growing up to truly see those reasons. Oh, the benefits of hindsight.